For Jude

For Jude:

www.wehatecancer.com

(this is not our baby!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers! I am thankful for your friendship!!!

Have a great Turkey Day!!

If

IF

If you had a teenager, would you let them date another teenager that had a child?

Vun.er.a.ble.

So much for telling who or what I am thankful for.
There are things, I promise.
But this beautiful face has been keeping me busy.
And tired.
And cranky.
And worried.
And fed up.
Did I mention tired?


I've not wanted to write a lot about our lives lately.
Not here.
Not on face.boo.k.
I don't want to talk about it to many people.
I just want it to go away.


But it hasn't gone away and it isn't going to.
And for my sanity, I have to write. I've talked. I've cried.
I've talked some more. And I've cried until I can't cry any more.
And I'm sick of talking. I'm sick of crying.
I'm sick of all of it to be honest.


I want to be able to breathe.
To really breathe.
I want to get rid of this feeling in my chest.... like I have a dump truck sitting on it.
It has lifted, but it's still there.


You see, my beautiful baby boy is not well.
He's not sick in the flu sort of way.
It's the emotional sort of way.
And he doesn't even understand how not well he is.
I don't want to go into detail.
Because it really doesn't matter here.
What matters is that I'm not well either.
Not emotionally.
And not in the same way that he's not well....
My heart is broken. My baby is broken and my heart cannot handle it.
And I am angry as hell.
I can't stand this and I don't understand this
and I'm sick of this and I'm so pissed off I can't stand myself.


I want to scream and kick my feet and yell at God
and at Satan
and at Draigon's father.


I want to yell at people who don't understand.
I want to tell people to leave me the hell alone
and I want them to hold me at the same time.
I want people to stop telling me it's going to be okay.


I just want it to be okay. I want him to be okay.
I don't want to hear that it's going to be okay.
I want it to be okay.


I'll do what I need to do.
And walk the walk I need to walk.
And I'll keep my head up high.
And I'll get him the help he needs.


I'll do it because I love him
and he's worth it.
And he has to learn something from this
so that he can get better.


Because I can't do it for him any more.

Absent.

I've been absent for about two weeks.

Swine flu and bipolar are the culprits.

I am hoping that things are going to start looking up. Any day.
Swine flu is gone. I'm afraid bipolar is here to stay.

I love this time of year, before it gets really cold, and while it's not really hot.
This year somehow I missed the leaves falling from the trees.
Now they are mostly just on the ground. How do you miss something like that?
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and hoping that my family can
get together without a lot of drama.

We invited my kids father and his wife to come and stay with us at some point during Christmas. I don't think they are going to, but I know the kids are hoping they do.

Really I'm just hoping to get to Thanksgiving with all of our children still with us.
And then to Christmas. And then Valentines Day. And then Easter. You get the point.

I want to tell you guys funny stories. Not depressing ones. I want to write about being happy. Not about blah my life sucks. I want to tell you how amazing my children are and not how I'm afraid one of them is going to slit their wrists. I want to tell you how we are going to adopt a beautiful baby girl and not how I'm afraid we'll lose her in a couple of months.

I hate, hate, hate this dreary stuff. It makes me think of the leaves on the ground, already changing from green to beautiful shades of orange and red and missing that. Missing that beauty in life....only seeing them already dead and already on the ground. Makes me realize how much of life we miss sometimes. Not that I would change it for the world. My son being alive is more important than the leaves falling from trees. Watching P grow from that tiny infant into a little person is more important than the leaves changing colors. ...Doesn't mean I don't miss it. Doesn't mean that I don't realize sometimes life keeps going even though you feel like you are stopped dead in your tracks.

I read other blogs for the first time today. I've read a few here and there in the past couple of weeks, but I read a lot today. And I laughed. I smiled. It made me feel good. And I have to get myself back into that habit and back into writing about the good stuff. In fact, since it is getting close to Thanksgiving, I think I'll start writing about who or what I'm thankful for.

Get ready. I'm coming back.

Life

Sometimes life is just really, really

really

really

hard.

I'm just sayin.

Alive!!

We are alive!!!

I've had all week to do so many things, and all I've gotten done has been sitting on my butt and sleeping! But I think everyone is on the mend in our house, so that's all that matters!

The baby has a runny nose and sometimes is stopped up and has to breathe out of her mouth. I've contimplated taking her back to the doctor... AGAIN.... but I might wait this one out until after the weekend and see how she does. I guess if she gets worse I can always take her to Urgent Care or to the ER. Poor baby.

Nothing else to write about really. I'm really, really ready to be back out and about. I love our house, but I'm really tired of being IN it!

Have a great weekend!!!

Swine flu....wooo hoooo

UPDATE:
OMG. My boss said that the symptoms do not last as long and are much milder than the regular flu... I would have to disagree.

Last week I started sneezing a lot, which is normal for me at this time of year. Friday I thought I had a sinus infection. By Saturday I thought my head was going to blow up. I slept every chance I got, but Toni was in a differnet town seeing her mom, so I had to take care of the kiddos and the baby, which meant getting ready for Halloween. By Sunday I thought I was going to DIE. I think I was awake maybe 4-5 hours the whole day. My body ached so badly that I was pretty sure I had the flu, but then staying in bed so long made it even worse... so I thought maybe it was just a sinus infection...

Monday I still felt bad so I went to the dr. They tested for flu, strep, and checked my cbc. Influenza A. They got me out pretty quickly...lol... and told me to call the pediatrician who would not test the baby for flu earlier that morning and let her know that I for sure had it.

I have never run a fever.

But I still feel like death. Crazy. This stuff isn't fun. My lungs are full of junk and I have to have a chest xray (the doc said they sound okay, but I'm coughing up green stuff). My head hurts and feels like it's going to explode. My ears are on fire, but the doctor said they look fine. My nose is so stopped up that I can't breathe. It's been 6 days since I started sneezing, 4 days since I thought I had a sinus infection, 3 days since I knew something wasn't right, and 2 days since I thought I was going to die! And I'm still sick and would rather be in bed than anything else! Seems a bit worse than regular flu.

Today I'm taking the other two heathens to get tested. Headaches, sore throats.....

I'm tired of everyone being sick. And I really, really hate the smell of Lysol.


Original post:

Yep.

I have it.

:(