It's My Life

Absent.

2009-11-13T14:50:00.003-06:00

I've been absent for about two weeks.

Swine flu and bipolar are the culprits.

I am hoping that things are going to start looking up. Any day.
Swine flu is gone. I'm afraid bipolar is here to stay.

I love this time of year, before it gets really cold, and while it's not really hot.
This year somehow I missed the leaves falling from the trees.
Now they are mostly just on the ground. How do you miss something like that?
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and hoping that my family can
get together without a lot of drama.

We invited my kids father and his wife to come and stay with us at some point during Christmas. I don't think they are going to, but I know the kids are hoping they do.

Really I'm just hoping to get to Thanksgiving with all of our children still with us.
And then to Christmas. And then Valentines Day. And then Easter. You get the point.

I want to tell you guys funny stories. Not depressing ones. I want to write about being happy. Not about blah my life sucks. I want to tell you how amazing my children are and not how I'm afraid one of them is going to slit their wrists. I want to tell you how we are going to adopt a beautiful baby girl and not how I'm afraid we'll lose her in a couple of months.

I hate, hate, hate this dreary stuff. It makes me think of the leaves on the ground, already changing from green to beautiful shades of orange and red and missing that. Missing that beauty in life....only seeing them already dead and already on the ground. Makes me realize how much of life we miss sometimes. Not that I would change it for the world. My son being alive is more important than the leaves falling from trees. Watching P grow from that tiny infant into a little person is more important than the leaves changing colors. ...Doesn't mean I don't miss it. Doesn't mean that I don't realize sometimes life keeps going even though you feel like you are stopped dead in your tracks.

I read other blogs for the first time today. I've read a few here and there in the past couple of weeks, but I read a lot today. And I laughed. I smiled. It made me feel good. And I have to get myself back into that habit and back into writing about the good stuff. In fact, since it is getting close to Thanksgiving, I think I'll start writing about who or what I'm thankful for.

Get ready. I'm coming back.

Life

2009-11-12T15:24:00.001-06:00

Sometimes life is just really, really

really

really

hard.

I'm just sayin.

Alive!!

2009-11-06T13:57:00.002-06:00

We are alive!!!

I've had all week to do so many things, and all I've gotten done has been sitting on my butt and sleeping! But I think everyone is on the mend in our house, so that's all that matters!

The baby has a runny nose and sometimes is stopped up and has to breathe out of her mouth. I've contimplated taking her back to the doctor... AGAIN.... but I might wait this one out until after the weekend and see how she does. I guess if she gets worse I can always take her to Urgent Care or to the ER. Poor baby.

Nothing else to write about really. I'm really, really ready to be back out and about. I love our house, but I'm really tired of being IN it!

Have a great weekend!!!

Swine flu....wooo hoooo

2009-11-02T13:46:00.002-06:00

UPDATE:
OMG. My boss said that the symptoms do not last as long and are much milder than the regular flu... I would have to disagree.

Last week I started sneezing a lot, which is normal for me at this time of year. Friday I thought I had a sinus infection. By Saturday I thought my head was going to blow up. I slept every chance I got, but Toni was in a differnet town seeing her mom, so I had to take care of the kiddos and the baby, which meant getting ready for Halloween. By Sunday I thought I was going to DIE. I think I was awake maybe 4-5 hours the whole day. My body ached so badly that I was pretty sure I had the flu, but then staying in bed so long made it even worse... so I thought maybe it was just a sinus infection...

Monday I still felt bad so I went to the dr. They tested for flu, strep, and checked my cbc. Influenza A. They got me out pretty quickly...lol... and told me to call the pediatrician who would not test the baby for flu earlier that morning and let her know that I for sure had it.

I have never run a fever.

But I still feel like death. Crazy. This stuff isn't fun. My lungs are full of junk and I have to have a chest xray (the doc said they sound okay, but I'm coughing up green stuff). My head hurts and feels like it's going to explode. My ears are on fire, but the doctor said they look fine. My nose is so stopped up that I can't breathe. It's been 6 days since I started sneezing, 4 days since I thought I had a sinus infection, 3 days since I knew something wasn't right, and 2 days since I thought I was going to die! And I'm still sick and would rather be in bed than anything else! Seems a bit worse than regular flu.

Today I'm taking the other two heathens to get tested. Headaches, sore throats.....

I'm tired of everyone being sick. And I really, really hate the smell of Lysol.

Original post:

Yep.

I have it.

:(

Zachary

2009-10-30T14:45:00.006-05:00

Zachary Len...

Today you are
12 years old

Wow, how time has flown by...

You have gone from such a cute little boy
to a good-looking young man

You are a hard worker
You are funny
You always make me smile

Your smile lights up a room
And you have something else that can clear a room
(I'll be nice and not put it here)

Even though sometimes you get tired of having a little sister,

You are a GREAT big brother

I am so so proud of you

and of who you have become

I am so, so proud of you

and proud to be your Aunt.

I love you

and I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

Love,
Aunt Jill

Dodging a bullet....

2009-10-30T14:07:00.002-05:00

This week seems to be full of dodging bullets.

My close friend Chris has had sick kiddos for the last two weeks, with her youngest being the sickest. She called the doctor this morning to see what the results were of his most recent blood work and they told her that his white cell count was over 17,000 (normal is 5,000 to 10,000). They thought he had leukemia. She called me and asked me to pray, which I had already been doing. They took more blood and it came back absolutely fine. He's still really nauscious so they gave him lots of food and are going to see if he can keep it down and then let them go home.

My heart broke when she told me they thought it was leukemia. I cannot imagine hearing that my child had leukemia. I am so thankful that they dodged that bullet.

We dodged a bullet on Wednesday. Some of you are friends on my facebook page and read my status that day as being "I'm pissed off". We had an incident with P. Everything is okay, but we dodged a very large bullet that day.

And I can't explain it here. Just know that she's okay and right back where she belongs... with us.

Toni and I keep thinking we are getting sick. Headaches, sinus issues, feeling like crap, but then we feel better. I think we are dodging the flu bullet... hopefully it will last. Today I feel like crap.

Halloween is tomorrow. I cannot believe this day is already here! Miss P is going to be Santa Claus, Jaiden is going to be a werewolf, and Drey is going to be... ummm... a vampire??? They are going to scare small innocent children in our front yard. We'll distract them with Santa and then the werewolf and vampire will strike. Poor kids.

And the winner is....

2009-10-27T15:52:00.004-05:00

I've had a very hard time with this purchase.

Buying a vehicle isn't the easiest thing in the world.

Coming up with an "easy" payment for 5 years sucks.

It might be "easy" today, but it might not be easy next year.

And we were about 6 months away from having the Jeep paid off,

so that makes it harder.

And there are other things making it a hard purchase.

We are buying something for our children.

For room.

For trips.

For leg space.

For any future kids we might have.

So it had to be just right.

We looked at SUVs.

We looked at minivans.

We went back to SUVs

Then back to minivans.

The only SUV that we thought had enough room for baby gear

was the Toyota Sequoia.

But I refused to pay that much for one.

So we had to either settle for an SUV with not enough room and

resort to one of those ugly boxes that goes on top of your vehicle when you travel

or buy a minivan.

And then there's the... but it's a minivan.....

I'm not old enough to drive a minivan.

I don't have enough kids to drive a minivan.

I'm not a soccer mom. Or a football mom.

AND there's the freedom thing.

We have been talking about me quiting my job.

Gasp

Yes, even in these economic times, with the threat of losing your job every time you turn around and everywhere you turn seeing someone who needs a job... I was going to quit mine.

And be a stay-at-home mommy.

And a part-time photographer.

But we were in the situation that if I were going to quit my job, we'd have to get another foster kid, for sure... or two... and we would need a bigger vehicle. We couldn't get a bigger vehicle if I were going to quit my job.

So we got a bigger vehicle and we are going to get another kid.

Out of all of the vehicles we've driven over the past two weeks,

the winner is:

a Toyota Sienna.

We sign the papers tomorrow.

On the hunt...

2009-10-26T13:31:00.002-05:00

For a 7-8 passenger vehicle that HAS storage space in the back.

Tahoe's are too short - there is no storage in the back.
Suburban's are too long - I don't want to drive a bus, nor do I wish to pay that gas bill.

We have driven EVERYTHING imaginable! Trailblazers (extended, with 3rd row seating), minivans, Sequioa's, Pathfinders.... can anyone tell me something we haven't driven that has lots of leg room in the back for a 15 year old boy and lots of storage room for our trips???

I'm so sick of looking at vehicles and dealing with salesmen!!

But... it's a must if we are going to get another child!!!

Tribute to Michael Jackson

2009-10-26T11:58:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6Ky02oqjQU

Absolutely amazing.

Swine? Strep? Tonsilitis?

2009-10-23T08:25:00.004-05:00

Toni called me yesterday and said she had a bad headache and her throat hurt.
She went home from work and vegged on the couch.

P has been fussy the last few days.
Sleeping a lot.

Jaiden woke up this morning saying her throat hurts.
She has white patches on the back of her throat.

I know that a lot of people who are coming down with the A strain flu that they are assuming is the swine flu start out with headaches and sore throats. We've had it drilled into our heads at work that if these things start happening to go home and stay home.

So... Toni, Jaiden and P are all going to the doctor today at 2.

I'm wearing a mask when we go!

And I've bleached my house... every bathroom, every doornob and light switch, Lysoled the couches and the kitchen table...lol... I DO NOT want to get sick again! I still have this stupid cough!!!

Toni just told me that a young guy that she works with had swine flu and was feeling much better, but then got sick again. He's on a ventilator. Great.

Texas, Toes, Chunk

2009-10-14T16:44:00.002-05:00

Everyone should dress like this!

Lots of stuff...

2009-10-13T13:10:00.005-05:00

Friday

I talked to a girl that used to be my best friend when my son was born. I haven't seen her since Jaiden was a year old and that was just for a short visit. I talked to her about 7 years ago and we lost touch again. Wendy was married to Ray back in the day when I was married to Chris. Chris and Ray were in the same band. Wendy and Ray got pregnant and told the group, and two weeks later Chris and I told the group that we were pregnant. Our babies were due the same day, but Haley was born 2 weeks early, and Draigon was born two weeks late! Sucked to be me!! I haven't seen Haley since she was 5 years old. She and Draigon are now 15... Wendy's younger son Drew is 10 now and my Jade is 11. So we planned to hook up on Sunday.

We vegged because it was so stinking cold outside. It was a nice night to sit around and watch TV in the warm house!

Saturday

My brother came over and put the sheet rock up in the guacamole hallway while Toni supervised and I sat on my ass doing nothing. It was soooooo nice. I did do some laundry and fed the baby and played with her and watched her take naps and watched TV and played with my photos on the computer, but mostly I just sat on my butt. Just ask my brother!

Remember when everyone got sick in September? Well, yours truly is still coughing up a storm. I haven't really felt sick, but sometimes I cough so much that my throat hurts and usually I cough so hard that my chest hurts. At the end of the week I started coughing junk up, so I'm not sure if I have a lingering case of bronchitis or pneumonia or what. And since you asked for more details about my coughing.... it's kinda barky... Toni says it's manly...lol... and the tickling seems to come from the top of my chest and not so much from my lungs. But my lungs hurt when I cough. And sometimes I cough so much that it gags me and I throw up. What? Too much detail? Sorry.

So it really didn't hurt my feelings that the hallway is so small that 3 people in there was too many and I'd just be in the way. I enjoyed my couch that day!

Sunday

Sunday was pretty much the same for me. I vegged all day long. I didn't really feel well. Toni and I had plans to go into Amarillo and go get some stuff for guacamole hallway and paint to repaint our living room, but I just didn't feel like it. I need to go to Wal.Mart, but didn't want to do that either. It was friggen 30° outside and wet and rainy!!! We didn't need to get Princess out in it either. Plus Princess screamed all day Sunday. So my sweet Toni went for me. She really is my hero! I forgot about meeting Wendy and she didn't call me either, so we didn't see each other that day.

Stephen called Toni around noon and told her that he had broken out into welts and that he didn't feel well. He sent us a picture over the cell phone and it looked like an allergic reaction to something. Toni told him to take a bened.ryl and said she would bring him some bened.ryl cream. She took him some food and hung out for a bit. Then she came home to veg with me for the rest of the day. But Stephen called back and said that the rash was worse and was driving him crazy. He was starting to get scared. So Toni asked if she needed to come back and take him to the Urgent.Care.Clinic. I asked him to send some more pictures. Man was it nasty looking!! Toni took him in and they said he was having an allergic reaction. They gave him a shot of a steroid and epinephrine. He started having chest pains, got really sweaty, his blood pressure went way up and the doctor told him he was having a panic attack and sent him HOME!!!! Moran!!! Toni stayed with him until he felt better, fed him again and came home. She was home 30 minutes and he called back. He wasn't doing well. Keep in mind he lives 30 minutes away from us. This was Toni's 3rd trip into town. She took him to the ER. They took one look at him and got him a room instead of making him sit in the crowded waiting room. The doctor came in and saw him and they admitted him to the ICU. I was shocked! They had no idea what was causing the attack, but they wanted to monitor him carefully.

Monday

Monday morning Stephen looked better and most of his welts were gone. He asked for a Diet.Coke around 9:00. They only had Diet.Dr.Pepper so he drank about half of it. Within 30 minutes he had broken out even worse than the day before. So they took it away from him and assumed it was the aspartame in diet drinks that was doing this to him. If you've never looked up the side effects to this crap they put in artificial sweeteners, you should. If you use this junk, you are slowly poisoning yourself. I've been trying to get Toni to listen to me for years! She's been trying to get me to stop drinking sugar and drinking diet sodas and using artificial sweeteners and I wont. I'd rather be fat than dead!! And my daughter LOVES diet drinks and I won't let her have it. I'd rather her drink Coc.a.Col.a that will take battery acid off a car battery than to drink diet drinks!! (not really people... shesshhh! They are equally as bad!) So Toni decided she wouldn't drink diet drinks any more since Stephen can't have it any more. Then for lunch Stephen ate instant mashed potatoes. And broke out.

The nurses put those funky things on his legs that tighten and then untighten to stimulate walking so he doesn't get any blood cloths (I can't think of the name of them!). Guess what happened? He broke out all over his feet and legs.

Then he at a piece of lettuce. A dry piece of lettuce. And broke out.

They are sending him to an allergy specialist, but they can't do any testing on him until all of the steroids they are giving him are out of his body. And since they have been giving him steroids since Sunday they have to ween him off of them.

He is still in ICU but they are talking about releasing him into the wild. From the ICU. Is that even legal?

In Princess news, when I dropped her off at daycare in the morning I laid her down in her bed and she put her feet up in the air and grabbed her feet! Not exciting to you? All babies do that?
Yes. But most babies aren't drug babies who are a month behind. Most babies don't need you to spend hours daily holding their arms above their heads and doing exercises and cheering and acting like an idiot to get their muscles to loosen up a little. Most babies don't need you to show them how to hold their feet up in the air or need your help in getting them there and holding them there. AND.. most babies aren't as precious as our Princess. ANDDDDD... most babies aren't as cute as she was once she realized she was doing it by herself!!!

SO THERE!

And I have to admit that it made me cry. I have been working so hard with her on this very thing and it's time-consuming and sometimes just hard. Her muscles are so tight that there are times that I don't want to do her exercises for fear of hurting her. And sometimes she cries through the exercises. But we do them every night. Sometimes even when she's asleep. I remember thinking my babies were the smartest ever when they held their own toes or rolled over or sat up by themselves and I remember how very proud I was of them. It's always different when it's your baby. And it's even more different now that it's not-my-baby-but-it-is-my-baby. Ya know? Her little face lit up when she realized that she was holding her feet and that I was not touching her! It was so special. I'm so happy that I got to see it. The daycare workers looked at me like I was nuts because I had tears rolling down my face and I was cheering and saying, "yayyyyy P... you did it!!!" But I didn't care. All that mattered at that moment was that she knew what she was doing and was so happy and so proud of herself.

Now I want to leave work and go hug her! See what you did!!!

And now I'm trying to decide if I want to do what some of the girls over at the blogs I stalk are doing and tell my coming out story. I don't know if I've done that yet, so I need to look back and make sure so I don't repeat myself. Or put something made up in there so it's more interesting. Because it's not. Actually what I did was crazy. But that's for another post, or two.

Oh yeah, didn't I tell you that I'm gay? Yep, a big-ol-honkin lesbian. With a wonderful wife and five pretty amazing people that God allowed me to have as children. Are you sure I haven't told you that????? Well, maybe I will tell you my story....

Deja Vu

2009-10-06T12:10:00.005-05:00

Remember in this post when I was whining about Draigon's teeth?

Well, my friends, let me introduce to you my beautiful daughter's mouth: Have any clue what you are looking at?

I wish I had that problem!

Her teeth are actually not "as bad" as Draigon's were.

As a whole.

Here's a picture of each of them.

See any similarities?

If you look really closely at the top of Draigon's mouth, you can see the tooth that looks like it's growing into the front two teeth.
Yeah. That tooth is his cuspid.
Jaiden's is doing that on both sides.

The boxes are the cuspids growing crooked.
The red X's are where those teeth are supposed to be.
On Jaiden's film, the place where the red X's are
are teeth that they pulled on Monday.

They are giving her teeth 4 months to figure out where they need to go.
If they don't straighten their act up,
my girl will have to have the same sucky surgery that Draigon had.

Even Draigon said, "oh man, that sucks".
His was bad. His was one tooth.
And it sucked big time, for him and for me.
Her's will be 2 teeth. Well, that's assuming that neither do what they are supposed to.

The best thing this go-round?
I put them on my insurance!
I don't have to pay full price for Jaiden's teeth!

Like this!

2009-10-05T12:47:00.000-05:00

Remodel

2009-10-05T12:03:00.003-05:00

Last night, my Toni ripped out part of the wall in our hallway. Just the paneling part. Not the whole wall.

She's handy to have around!

Now we are going to attempt to piece it back together with sheet rock! And we are going to add a light since someone thought it was a good idea not to put one in there! We are painting it a color called "guacamole".

It's a lot prettier in person!We walk down a long hallway to get to the hallway we are working on.

The two hallways join, making an L shape.

So when you are walking down the long hallway, this will be right in front of you.

On the guacamole wall. It'll be pretty!

Once we get this project done, we are planning on starting to buy new

appliances for the kitchen. One by one.

When we have what we want, and it is all paid off,

We are going to rip our kitchen out.

And eat out of the microwave for a while!

While we remodel our kitchen!!!!

Random

2009-09-24T11:39:00.005-05:00

I was chatting with Becky yesterday about our blogs and about how often we do or do not post.
In my case, it's how often I do not post.
Most days I have a lot to say.
But when I sit down to post, all of a sudden it seems boring.
Who would want to read my rambling?

But Becky said she likes to read it. So, I'm going to ramble.

I really hate daycare. Really.
I didn't think it would be as hard to leave a foster child there.
I guess when I signed up for foster parenting, I really thought in my mind that I could love a child knowing that they were going to go home.
Knowing that we were in his/her life for a season. For a reason. And then they would go home and our lives would go on.
Nuh uhhhhh.
This little baby girl has me wrapped around her finger.
Most people are shocked to hear that she is not ours.
Therefore daycare is excruciating for me. It was hard to leave my own kids, especially when they cried.

But it's hard to leave P there every day. I want to be at home with her.
Loving on her, taking care of her, playing with her.
So when I walk into daycare and there are 11 children from the ages of 6 weeks up to a year old in one room, all of them crying, with two very overworked and underpaid employees
I just want to turn around and walk out.
I don't want my baby to sit in one place while two people struggle to change diapers and feed 11 babies.

We have inquired about a new daycare that will open in November. The lady has volunteers lined up to work in the baby room. Rockers. They will just sit and rock the babies. Genius. I can't wait to get our P moved there.

If I knew how, or better yet if I had the money, I would open one. I would need lots of money though because I would pay my employees well and I would buy them pizza every Friday. And our building would be amazing. And there would be ly.sol everywhere.

Speaking of ly.sol, I'm still sick. And I'm sick of being sick. Yesterday my throat hurt so bad that it hurt to talk. Today I'm coughing again but my throat doesn't hurt. Strange. I'm ready to feel better.

Someone we know has family that has the Swine Flu.

We have been looking for a car for my son. I know he won't get his license until July. He might not get it then if I don't hurry up and get the stuff ordered to teach him to drive myself. But if we get him a car soon, I can teach him to drive in HIS car. So he won't have any excuse about running over someone because he wasn't used to his gas pedal.

I'm crafty, and I want to start posting the cool things that I make. Maybe I can sell something. Maybe I can get motivated to advertise so I can do something to make extra money. I'm really sucking at getting my photography up and running. I'm talented in a lot of areas, but something stops me from doing those things. Why is that? I'm going to do something to change that.

One day I will have a son named Daniel. I know that's probably confusing to you. How would I know that? But I know one day I will have a son named Daniel.

I went to Once Upon a Child and bought 7 outfits for P for under $20. Oh, and I got her a Bumbo seat for $22.

She had a visit with mom yesterday. Now that Safe Harbor is doing the visits, we don't know if P's siblings and Grandma was there or if it was just mom. I guess I could go and sit and spy when I know they are finished. But I guess it really doesn't matter. She got to see her for 2 hours. Since she just got out of rehab. 30 days for over 3 years of drug use. Whatever. I hope she enjoyed loving on my baby! ;) I wonder if she was surprised at how big she's gotten? She sent home a CD for her to listen to at bedtime. Too bad she's 2.5 months too late. We already have our bedtime routine down. But I'm going to try to incorporate it in somehow. I think it was nice that she sent it. I sent her pictures of P for each week she's been with us.

My son is making parenting hard right now. I'm ready to strangle him. Sometimes I lose my temper, and I lose control of myself. Sometimes words come out of my mouth that I wish I could take back. I wish that I wasn't this way with him. I seem to have better control over myself with Jaiden. I am working on this as well.

Have I told you how much I love Amy Coe clothing?

And how much I hate gas prices?

And have I told you that Toni and I have been discussing me quiting my job, getting another kiddo and staying home? Of course then I think of everything I want to pay off and the things that I want to do to the house before I can quit. Jaiden has to have her braces before I can quit since we've waited a year to be able to use it for this. We need a bigger vehicle if we get more kids, but can't afford the payment if I quit my job. Catch 22. Then we found a Dodge Durango for $3000. Makes me think there is something wrong with it. We are going to look at it and see if it's okay. And then we are going to look at our bills and make a plan.

Hopefully by then P won't be 18 years old!

Or home with biomom.

I'm supposed to be in Florida. With Cheryl. At Disney World. :(

That cute little puppy that I posted pictures of a few weeks back? I'm going to kill him. He's chewed up our hot tub cover ($400-$600), chewed up parts of our deck (who knows how much money), several puppy beds, wash clothes, underwear, toys... anything the dog gets his mouth on he shreds. The latest thing was our air conditioner. He bit a wire and blew a fuse. Thank goodness we got the Home Warranty when we bought the house and only had to pay $75. Oh, and when he got neutered, he had bilateral ear hematomas and we had to get drains put in. That was over $200. Plus to adopt him we spent $85 and then to buy all of the cute toys that he immediately destroyed. He's very close to going back to the SPCA.

I'm trying to find some friends from high school. Facebook is no help. MySpace is no help. The phone book is no help. Shoot, I found one of their brothers and he is no help. What to do?

VENT!

I know, that was random. But, in talking with Becky yesterday, she said that maybe she should set up a blog just to complain about someone specific in her life. I had just left a comment on her blog that went to bloggy heaven (not sure what happened to it!) telling her that I had set up a blog just to vent because some things you just can't put here. I made that blog private so no one could read it. Then I had an idea that we should invite people we know to go there and vent as well. It's a private blog, so the outside world cannot read it unless we invite them, and the people closest to us that we don't want to read certain things can't read it because they won't be invited either! Not sure that it's really as good an idea as I thought... not sure that anyone will really participate, but it's out there. Anyone want to be invited to post, shoot an email to a.place2vent@gmail.com.

I think I'm all out of rambling.

Tired

2009-09-21T22:39:00.001-05:00

I'm tired.

That's all, blog followers.

That's all.

Getting better!

2009-09-18T12:05:00.006-05:00

Princess stayed in the hospital for 5 whole days.

Look at how much hair she's getting! I think it will be blondish-red.Her O2 sats stayed pretty much above 90.
Sometimes it went lower.
Only long enough to freak both mom's out!While she was away, Beckat had to try out
everything baby. She had to see where she fits in this equation!

Overall, we are all doing much better.
We aren't at 100% quite yet,
but we're getting there!

Rota virus and RSV

2009-09-14T17:20:00.004-05:00

I am a germaphobe.

I'm addicted to Lysol.

But that, I don't think, has helped us out today!

P was admitted to the hospital on Saturday. We took her to the ER because her breathing was really labored and we were scared. I had kept calling her doctor, but they kept brushing us off, telling us it was normal for babies to choke when they had all of that congestion and snot. But I kept saying, "yes, I'm aware of that, but her breathing is different" and they would come back with "yes, but that is normal with these types of viruses and you just have to let it run it's course!" and I would say, "YES, BUT SHE IS BREATHING DIFFERENTLY". Friday her doctor called me back at 4:30 and said it was too late for him to see her, but that he would call to check on her on Saturday, which he never did, and he said that if we noticed her breathing changing (has anyone been effin listening to me???) to take her to the ER. A few hours later we called a friend who is a nurse and took her out to see her. Because at this point we are thinking maybe we really are just overreacting, and maybe she's just fine. By the time we got to Mia, P's breathing was better. Mia said it wasn't in her lungs, so just to watch her, and if she got bad again to call her and she would come to us to watch her breathe.

By 2 pm the next day we knew something was not right. So we loaded up to go sit our hours up at the ER. Got there at 3, (Thank GOD we have a good baby who didn't mind being covered up the whole time we were there), finally got called to a room at 6, and by 10 pm had a room up in Children's Hospital.

They haven't exactly told us that it is RSV, in fact, I'm pretty sure I heard them say while they were out in the hallway talking that she tested negative for the test, but that she had all of the same symptoms. We've kept her hydrated, so she hasn't had to have an IV. But the doctors were concerned for her breathing (it's about time someone saw what we were seeing). So she's still there. Maybe she'll be released tomorrow.

BUT, it's been a blessing that she was not released today.

I came home to stay with my kiddos last night and to take them to school this morning.
5 am, Miss Jaiden is up with stomach cramps. 6 am, alarm goes off, Jadie runs to the toilet. By 6:15 she was vomiting and having the worse smelling diarrhea you've ever smelled.

And Drey had cold symptoms and a low-grade fever.

The people that Jaiden stayed with this weekend while we were up at the hospital just called and said that they all have Rotavirus and that the youngest member of their household was admitted to the PICU last night for dehydration. Every person in their family is sick - there are 9 people staying in their house! I thought Jaiden got this from Paige, but I guess she got it from them!

And now, after a full day of cleaning up puke and poop (even the DOG flippen threw up!), I am feeling nauseous!

I don't WANNA have rotavirus!!!!

I've been away from work since the Friday before Labor Day.
Not quite the vacation I wanted!

This week

2009-09-10T10:27:00.004-05:00

Is it Thursday????

This week has been hell.

Last week I took P to the doctor and told them she was congested. The doctor said she was fine.
Over Labor Day weekend, she kept getting stuffier and more congested.
She started to cough.
Monday she started running a fever.

Monday she turned 2 months old.
Tuesday she was diagnosed with RSV.

Monday my 11 year old daughter started her period.
WTH?
She's ELEVEN!
She's tooooo younggggg!!!

Jaiden is doing great with her new found friend. I taught her how to handle things
and she's got it down.

But P is not doing as well.

The doctor put her on breathing treatments.

Every 4 hours we do these.
Every 3 hours she eats.
Every 1.5 hours in between her formula, she drinks pedialite.

Every time we do the breathing treatments, we put drops in her nose.
Then suck it all out.

She was throwing up like crazy. She had lost weight at her visit with the doctor on Monday.
She has diarrhea every 30 minutes. Her little bottom is so red.
We put her bottom in the tub at least 3 times a day and let her air dry.
A&D ointment has become our best friend. We've gone through almost a whole tube
since Tuesday.

I've been pooped on, puked on, peed on, snotted on and spit on repeatedly for 4 days!
I've sucked more snot out of this child than I ever did out of my two.

I'm hoping we are on the track to feeling better! Every now and then she'll have dry stuff in her nose. She now hates for me to touch her nose at all! But I tell her how good it is that it's dry stuff and not wet. Thirty minutes later she'll be stopped up again and I'll have to suck out the wet stuff. Ugh!!

This week has flown by. I guess when you are doing something every hour, or holding a sick baby for 12 hours straight, time goes by quickly!

But right now, right this second, she is sleeping peacefully. No breathing through phlem. Not coughing. No choking.

I.must.go.sleep.now!

Swine Flu.. get vaccinated!!!

2009-09-03T11:47:00.002-05:00

Working in the health care industry, I know things that most people do not.

Well, unless they work in the health care community.

The swine flu will be back this fall, and will probably be worse than it was in the Spring.

But DO NOT PANIC!!!

Starting around October 15th, the vaccine will be available.

I suggest you get it.

The biggest thing that people need to understand is

WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

If you are not a germaphobe, become one.

Start carrying hand sanitizer now.

Start carrying around sanitizing wipes.

Use it on your cart at the store.

Use it on your table before you sit down to eat at a restaurant.

Use it on your kids hands

because you know they didn't wash thier hands well

even though they said they did!

You can prevent yourself from getting this flu.

Just do what I tell you to do

and you will live through this season!

~Dr. Jill~

Braxton / Cullen

2009-09-03T08:09:00.005-05:00

The little boy who was going to be named

Braxton Conner Daniel J.,

was wecomed into this world on his mother's birthday, September 2nd, at 6:30 pm.

Cullen Charles Wilson S.

was blue when he was born,

as he had the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times,

but quickly recovered.

He's beautiful.

I am so thankful that we have Princess. She sure makes this day bearable.

God gave us the baby we were meant to have, even if it's just for a little while.

Cullen

2009-09-02T13:20:00.003-05:00

The baby that Toni and I were going to adopt is going to be born today, on his mother's birthday.

His name will be Cullen.

His mom is having complications, so please pray that everything goes well.

A c-section may be necessary, and she really does not want one.

I'll keep you updated.

Manhood gone

2009-09-01T14:54:00.002-05:00

This sweet boy

no longer has

his bizness.

Wonder how our life is going to be now?

Calmer??

More Honesty

2009-08-28T09:06:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, honestly, life really bites.
There are times when I have to sit back

and watch things unfold and

I wonder what the hell is going on.

Why is this happening?

I can hear my brother talking about generational sins.

About how our ancestors did not live their lives for God

and their sins carry on to their children and grandchildren,

and they end up paying for the sins of the first person.

Then they live their lives the way they want to

and it just adds to the sins and the "payments"

that their children's receive from their parents choices.

I'm not sure that I agree with that 100%,

but yet it creeps into my mind

when I look at the things happening.

My mom really screwed up.

Her mom really screwed up.

I have no idea how my Grandmother was raised,

and if her mom screwed up.

But what I do know is that my mom was molested by her sick father,

and her mom knew and did nothing but call her a liar.

My mom was the baby of 7 kids, heck, maybe 8 kids,

I don't remember,

but the oldest one was getting married and

having babies by the time my mom was born.

My Grandparents didn't want any more kids,

yet they kept having them.

So the last 3 are all 9-12 months apart.

And they payed for being born.

And then I paid for them being born.

~~I have paid for being born.~~

Really, I paid for my dad's death.

Maybe one day I will tell some stories about that.

But for now, lets focus on my kids.

When I got pregnant with Draigon,

I was the happiest person alive.

I wanted nothing more than to

bring a person into this life that would love me

unconditionally

no matter what I did

or did not do

no matter what my shortcomings were.

I had this sweet boy who would be my forever love,

the one person that I

knew I would never fall out of love with.

He was such a sweet baby.

Very happy.

Always smiling and laughing and cooing.

When he was 5 months old

I kicked his dad out of our house,

not because I wanted him out,

but because I wanted him to open his eyes

and see what he had and what he was letting go of.

That didn't happen.

He left.

Then he came back.

Then he left again.

Four years I lived with being told that

he can't live without me and wanted to be a family,

and four years of then being told that

he didn't want a family and couldn't stand to be around me.

I allowed it, so I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

What I am sorry for though is that I became bitter,

resentful,

full of hate.

And my son paid for that.

He was the one who had the absent dad,

and he was the one that

because he had an absent dad he had a resentful mom,

who then turned out to be an absent mom.

When he was 19 months old there was an accident.

I won't go into details because that is not the point of this post,

but that accident changed who Draigon was.

He was no longer the smiling happy toddler.

He was replaced with a whining, cranky, needy baby.

Lawyers wouldn't help us.

The neurologist told us we were wrong

and that he would be fine.

But he wasn't fine.

And he still isn't.

And honestly,

I don't know if that accident

is what changed my son forever,

or if it was generational sins

or if it was just in the cards for him to be diagnosed

as bipolar.

I have a hard time with the thought that

the God that I believe in

that is loving and kind,

would put this disease onto a young boy

because of something that I did in my life

or that my mom did in her life.

He's done nothing to deserve this.

Hasn't he "paid" enough by having an absent father,

and a mom who wasn't that much better for the first 4 years of his life?

Bipolar is an ugly disease.

When people hear the word,

they think "crazy" or "unstable" or "looney"

or they thing of the violent mood swings.

Draigon is a very high functioning bipolar

when he takes his meds

and we keep his spirits up.

When we forget his meds,

his emotions are high maintenance.

And yes,

we forget sometimes.

Especially now that we have to have them locked

in a lock box inside of a locked closet.

It's easy to forget.

But now

there is more going on with Drey than just bipolar.

It's called "puberty".

It's called "girls".

It's "trying to figure out who I am and where I belong".

He's searching for someone to love him,

to accept him no matter who he is

or what label he has on him.

I know that when I was in high school,

there was drama everywhere.

I'm not sure if it's different now

or if I just see it as being different because

I'm, you know....

old.

dRaMa
Oh emm geeeee

Drey consumes himself with all of the drama.

his drama

his girlfriend's drama

his ex-girlfriends drama

his girlfriends ex-boyfriends drama

his friends drama

his friends enemy's drama

the person standing over by the vending machine's drama

... and he doesn't just get in the middle of it,

he makes it his problem,

and then he makes it his job to "fix it"

or take care of it.

I've watched my son

once again

transform into this person that I don't know.

I've been saying things to him since February of this year

about letting people fight their own battles.

He isn't Superman,

he can't fight them for them.

I've watched him be pulled into the middle of things

and I've watched him like the position he was put in.

The position of "the hero"

because he told someone off or told them to leave someone alone.

It has progressively gotten worse.

It's to the point to where the boy is telling

his friends off because they are making choices

in their own lives that has nothing to do

with anyone other than themselves.

Somehow he's finding it his job to tell them

how big of a loser they are

because he doesn't agree with a decision they have made.

Last night my son

cried so hard

that he couldn't hold himself up.

He cried so hard

I was afraid that he was going to stop breathing.

Last night I had to tell my son that he has created his own hell,

and that it isn't going to get better until he changes it.

Last night I had to bring my son down,

all the way to the bottom,

to get him to see what he's doing

to his own life and to others.

Then I had to bring him back up

with all of the positive things he has to offer everyone around him,

including himself.

It was tough.

It was hard to tell him the things I had to tell him.

He always thinks he's better off dead.

And of course, he isn't.

He has a purpose in this life,

and he has to stick around to see what

God has in store for him.

I told my son that he has choices and decisions

to make now that will affect the rest of his life.

If he does not change the distructive path he's chosen,

if someone doesn't kill him out of anger,

then Drey will end up killing himself

because everything is falling down around him.

I've sat for 7 months and have watched it,

trying to steer him in the right direction,

trying to tell him what is happening,

what will happen..

to no avail.

He is so full of anger.

He has the desire to have people close,

to have them love him,

yet he pushes them away,

he's mean to them,

then he cries because

they don't want to have anything to do with him.

Destructive behavior.

Bipolar.

Refusal to change.

This is not going to lead to anything good.

It's time for therapy again... Extreme therapy.

But this time we are going to do things a little different.

He is going to set up a blog and write on it every day.

It will be his journal.

He can say whatever he wants,

cuss anyone out,

tell them what he thinks of them,

how he feels about them,

how he feels about life,

what a bitch his mom is,

how he hates his sister,

etc., etc., etc.

We all know how therapeutic this stuff is.

We are going to start with that

because going to a "real" counselor

doesn't seem to help him.

He gets nothing out of it.

He learns nothing.

He usually feels worse when he comes out

because he's not 100% honest

and he knows that if he says

half of what he feels

the counselor will tell his mom.

I've read the things he's written on

MySpace and Facebook,

and they are things he wouldn't say to his mom.

So he needs that outlet.

He needs to be able to get it all out

so he can think more clearly

and make a decision as to what he needs to do,

what is his place,

is this his business,

is this his problem, etc.

After he re-read what he wrote to his friend he felt horrible.

He shouldn't have written any of it.

But he can't take it back now.

Life bites.

It really bites when you watch life grab hold of your child.

It really bites that you really don't know what you are doing,

if you are doing good by the things you say to them to teach them

or if you are just tearing them down and making the situation worse.

Sometimes, life really sucks.